Thanks for joining me. I don't usually socialize with my students.
I'm glad you're making an exception for me.
Well, you know, it gets kind of lonely on the road sometimes.
Yeah. You must miss your family.
I'm... I'm sorry. Did I overstep?
I'm trying to do the right thing, Kit, you know.
I'm away from them nine months out of the year.
Sleeping alone in hotel rooms.
Yeah. Back in the day, I dealt with it...
...by just getting hammered every night...
...and waking up with a different man every morning.
Well, I'm glad you don't feel the need to do that anymore.
I can't say that I don't feel the need.
I just don't act on it like I used to.
Well, I guess it's goodbye, then.
Yeah. Yeah, well, look, thanks for keeping me company.
- I really appreciate it. - Oh, it was my pleasure.
Shit.
I think I should go.
- Yeah. Yeah, okay. - Okay?
Yeah, okay.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I don't even like this stupid picture.
It's just the only thing I have that isn't from Bette or of Bette.
Oh, my God. I love this song.
Is that straight?
No, it's crooked.
Oh, guitar solo.
I'm drums.
Tina. Hello? I'm doing the solo.
Oh, jeez. Okay.
I'm okay, not a problem.
Oh, hey.
I did ring the bell, but I guess you couldn't hear me over the cacophony.
How are you? I'm... God, I'm not...
it's kind of a mess. I'm not really prepared for company.
I was on my way to brunch. I thought I'd drop off this paperwork.
The Headquarters for Social Justice has money in the bank.
Where do I sign up? Hi.
Thank you. Can I make you a cup of tea?
No, no, not today. I'll see you Thursday.
Okay. See you then.
Thanks for coming by.
- Oh, God. - What's Thursday?
It's the Peabody Foundation dinner for all their grant recipients.
I can't believe she saw me like this.
Like a pregnant woman doing normal things in her apartment?
Like a normal person who hasn't been dressed by Yves Saint Laurent?
I think I've put her off. Did you see the way she looked at me?
Yeah, I did. it was a little bit scary.
Are you sleeping with her?
No.
No, I haven't.
- Are you gonna? - I don't know.
I mean, I don't think I'm ready. I mean, besides, look, with this...
Alice, don't be ridiculous. She's not even interested in me.
Hey, wake up.
I don't know. I can't tell.
Okay, do you think Carmen is in to me, honestly?
When you went out with her, like...
...was she just kind of, like, you know, I don't know...
...reticent?
Wait a minute. You went out with this girl?
- The girl you're...? - Fuck you, Mark.
- Now you're going out with... - I am definitely not going out with her.
And that's cool? You guys... ls that common?
You guys just share chicks and shit?
We don't share. I don't date Carmen anymore.
Oh, right. Of course, you have your two-fuck limit, right?
How do you convince a girl to go home with you?
Doesn't your reputation precede you by this point?
- How do you? - I don't know.
I make a lot of eye contact, laugh at all their jokes.
Oh, and what signs and seals the deal is I tell a tragic childhood story.
Oh, Mark, you're so full of shit.
You know it's true.
Look, from what I know, the most important thing is to listen.
You get them talking, you start hearing about their life, then you figure out...
- ...what they want. - It's true. Chicks do like to talk a lot.
But you do not talk too much.
That's the thing. Talking too much can kill it.
You don't tell your life story, and you don't have them tell theirs.
- That's it. - You should just show her, Shane.
Think about it. I mean, you know this girl.
You've dated her, right? What a time- saver it would be for poor Jenny...
...just to have a little three-way. Don't you think, Jenny?
I hate to tell you this, Mark, but I don't fuck my roommates.
Damn.
- Hey. - Hey.
Where you been? Tonya's meeting is only a couple of hours.
I was at Tina's. What meeting?
The Heineken Celebrity Slammin' Jammin' Tournament.
So can we go back to your place now?
- Dana. I'm not gonna do this with you. - You're not gonna do what?
I'm not gonna sneak around with you.
I'm not gonna be your secret lover, your back-door woman...
What happened?
I want you... l want you to leave her.
Al, I can't do that right now.
- Why? - Because...
The tournament tomorrow. Because Tonya set up the whole thing...
...and it's a really big deal for me.
Okay. That's it for us.
- No, Al. Alice. Alice! - What?
Come here. Please.
Please.
Al...
Look at me.
Alice.
I really, really wanna be with you.
- You do? - Yes.
Well... Well, then will you break up with her after the tournament?
Hi.
What's up?
You look good.
I'm a mess.
Are you gonna invite me in?
To tell you the truth, I'm not really in the mood for company right now.
I'd rather you called first.
Well, is the apartment okay? I mean, are you comfortable here?
It's fine. I'm fine.
Is there something in particular?
We should talk, Tina. I mean, I can't carry on and pretend like it's all fine...
...and that I'm not as confused as hell by the whole thing.
Look, I am... I'm just gonna say what I have to say...
...and I hope that you're able to hear it.
Okay.
I don't know how you could keep this baby a secret from me.
I don't know how you could lie to me for four months. We were still together.
We were a couple. You were pregnant and I had no idea.
I planned to tell you. Then you fucked off...
I fucked up. I did not fuck off. I did not leave. I am still here.
I wanna have a place in this baby's life.
This is our baby, Tina.
I know it's complicated. I know there are no easy answers.
There's probably no legal precedent. We can hire lawyers...
- ...and make up documents... - I don't even have a lawyer anymore.
Okay, fine. You know, I would rather that we work it out ourselves.
Well, I'm not sure I wanna work it out. Not in the way that you want it.
Did you use our sperm?
- I used the sperm we had stored, yes. - Then this is our baby, Tina.
- I can't believe you're doing this. - We conceived of this baby together.
We searched for a donor together. I found the donor.
Marcus Allenwood is a friend of mine. And if we were husband and wife...
- ...this would be my baby. - I just need to think about it, okay?
Just give me some time.
Okay.
Oh, last one.
- Do you want this? - No, it's all yours.
- Oh, thank you. - You're so very welcome.
I don't know.
Good?
You're such a tease.
Well, then, keep going.
Oh, I know thirst. it's so intense.
Oh, shit.
- My God, you stink. - Oh, God, really?
- Yeah... Oh, shit. - Oh, now you are too.
Now you're gonna stink.
- I can't believe you just did that. - No, I didn't mean to.
Of course I did... I don't know anymore.
- Hi. - Hey.
How are you?
I just wanted to say that Mark is out there filming with his video camera.
What?
Okay, who would make out with a guy for a million dollars?
Who wouldn't?
- Would you? - Hell, yeah.
A lot less than that, actually.
What about you? Would you make out with a guy for a million dollars?
A million and a half dollars?
L...
I would make out with a Republican for a million dollars.
What? I think... l think that Republicans can be hot.
- Take it back. - Why?
Because Republicans are fucking scary.
Scary can sometimes be sexy.
They're not scary, they're stupid.
That's right, and stupid...
...Shane, can be even sexier.
Okay, but would you...
- ...make out with a friend? - Sure.
What about two friends at the same time?
What? Oh, two friends at the same time? No, I wouldn't.
- Come on, yeah. - No. No, no.
Not for some horny guy's benefit. Absolutely not. I would not.
Jenny!
Let's go get some more beer. Bye.
Yeah, we're out.
- Come on. - No, don't.
No, thank you.
Hello, Bette.
Helena.
Congratulations, by the way.
- On? - Leo Herrera.
He's gonna be wonderful for the CAC. Leo's such a gem.
Bette's going to be working with Leo Herrera.
He's coming to Los Angeles for six months...
...to help raise money for the California Arts Center.
- Hello? - It's Bette Porter.
- Bette. ls something wrong? - Leo Herrera.
I planned on talking about this tomorrow.
Is Helena Peabody involved?
I really don't think this is the time or place.
- I'll talk to you about this tomorrow. - I asked you a question, Franklin.
It's irrelevant. We're haemorrhaging, Bette.
You yourself said this is a difficult fundraising climate.
So you hired a fundraiser without consulting me...
...in violation of my contract?
We hired Leo as a consultant.
I suggest you look at your contract. It's well within our purview.
If you want to discuss this further, set up an appointment to talk to me...
...during the day tomorrow.
- Hi, it's me. - Hi.
I'm having a rough time, and it's...
- Can you talk, or are you busy? - What's up?
Franklin went and hired Leo Herrera to come raise money for the CAC.
He's actually moving him out from New York.
- Without consulting you? - Yeah.
Then I went to his house unannounced and went off on him in his driveway.
Oh, no, no, no.
- You didn't. - Yeah, I did.
You know who's responsible for this? Your buddy, Helena Peabody.
The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell.
Please tell me you're not sleeping with her.
- Bette... - Are you sleeping with her?
- It's none of your business.
Don't do it. She will eat you alive. She is a vampire.
- Yeah, and a dragon. - That's right. She's a monster.
However you wanna categorize it, she fucks with people for sport.
Bette! Look, you were in distress and you needed someone to talk to...
...and I'm willing to listen. But I'm not gonna do this with you.
- Do what? - You're trying to control me...
...and you can't. I'm not gonna talk to you...
- ...about Helena Peabody. - Oh, please.
Fuck.
- Hi. - Hi.
How's my little bride-to-be? Ready to play the best tennis of her life?
- Fine. - Well, in order to get out of here...
...we need to leave in five minutes. I'm gonna phone...
...Anna Kournikova and Martina's people.
Check things at La Jolla, then we're off, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Hello?
What...? No, Alice, I haven't told her yet. Stop pressuring me.
Honey, who is that?
My mom. it's my mom.
She makes me feel so pressured when she calls me to wish me good luck.
Okay. Sorry. So, yeah, I just wanted to make sure...
I will call you back later. Okay, bye.
Hi. Are you Shane " McCouchin"?
McCutcheon.
I need you to sign this.
- Who are they from? - Maybe you have a secret admirer.
Right there. ls that good for you?
Yes, ma'am, that's good for me.
Don't you wanna put them in water?
Yeah.
I do. But I don't know if we have a vase.
I think this might work.
Yeah, you're right. it could work.
Thank you.
Your descriptive technique is better, but you're still skating on the surface.
How do you mean that I'm skating over the surface?
Just think about it. And then take another pass.
And remember, you're not Clea.
I know that I'm not Clea...
Have you ever read any of the stories from my rodeo days?
Yes. I've actually... I've...
- I've read all of your stories. - I thought so.
You've gotta find your own voice, Jenny.
Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery...
...but it's not the best form of writing.
Okay, but with all due respect, I don't think that I'm imitating you, actually.
I'm not into the whole student-teacher transference thing.
I prefer to keep the boundaries between us crisp and clear.
Okay, I will...
I will keep that in mind. Thank you.
Hey, Jenny.
- Hey, Hunter. - You ready?
Yes.
I'll see you later.
You know what, Jenny, hold on. I have an assignment for you.
Okay, ready? Deep breaths.
One.
Good.
Two.
Good. Keep breathing.
Three.
Unbelievable.
You are a god, man.
I mean, that's what I call good filmmaking.
Oh, goodness. The blond is unbelievable, man.
How do you know girls like this?
For $200, you could know girls like that, Gomey.
See, I told you, man. Reality just needs a little help sometimes.
- What are you doing, man? - Hold on.
- Pan back. - Dude, hold on a second.
I just...
I wanna know what she's feeling.
Who gives a fuck what she's feeling?
Try not speaking for the rest of the day. Not a word.
Try communicating all your needs without using audible language.
Why?
Don't ask why. Just try it.
And then write me an essay about your experience.
I can't believe I let you take me to La Jolla for this.
Okay, you need to tell her to call this thing off.
And just explain that the longer she waits...
...the more painful it's gonna get. Because she doesn't understand that.
- And tell her... - Alice, why do I have to tell her?
She said she'd say something after the game.
Honey, mellow out, please.
There's Tonya...
...thank you so much for today. I know, Melissa Rivers. I am dying!
I know. I can't believe she's actually hosting the event.
Melissa Rivers?
- Does she even know we're here? - Okay, no.
Here's the plan. I'm gonna go talk to Dana.
You're gonna call me on this phone... Take this... if you see Tonya coming.
- That's just dumb. - I don't have time for this, okay? God.
Dana.
- Hi. - Hi.
Listen, if you don't promise to do this tonight...
...then I refuse to leave this room.
- Wait, wait. - What?
That's not fair. I said I would do it after. Besides, what do I say?
How about, " Hi, Tonya, you're a scary robot, and I'm not gonna marry you."
And... And...
" But you can still be my manager."
Oh, God. That's Shane. That means Tonya's coming, so...
- What was your escape plan, Al? - I didn't really think about that one.
Alice!
- Hi. - Hi.
How are you?
- Surprise! - Alice.
Hi! Tennis, anyone?
Wow, did you...? What, did you come up here just to support your friend?
- I did. - That is so sweet.
- Oh, yeah. - Melissa Rivers is great.
It is such a coup to get her. I can't even tell you. Heineken is thrilled.
Yeah, you're a fantastic promoter, Tonya. You are.
Dana's really lucky to have you as her manager.
And I am so glad that you came.
Because our little Miss Fairbanks has been a bundle of nerves.
- Haven't you, baby? - Oh, have you?
Just one more match till we can go sleep in our own beddy-bye...
...right, pookie pie?
Yeah. Okay.
- I'm gonna leave you guys alone. - Okay.
But I am excited to see you kick some butt.
- Yeah! - All right. Later, girl.
Bye. Bye.
Alice.
It's crazy.
So when does your silence assignment end?
I had a really great time with you, but I think I wanna do it again...
...when you're a little bit more verbal...
...maybe.
Is that cool with you?
Okay.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
...girly boys and boyish girls.
Tops, bottoms, queers, bis, transgenders...
...and label-free people of every stripe and variety.
Come and see the amazing trio of human freaks brought before you...
...for entertainment and amusement.
On the high wire, we have our first specimen, the Silent Ballerina.
And behind me, our second specimen, the beautiful Temptress.
Who could resist her charms?
And to my left, our third specimen...
...the Temptress Tamer.
Here it is.
But I'm gonna need you to sign for it first.
" Is that good for you?"
No, Kelly, you were a genius in this.
Really, it's... it's pretty fucking hot.
- I think you're gonna enjoy it. - Thanks.
Hey, what's up?
Are you sorry you did it? Because if you don't want me to, I won't use it.
I don't want you to use it.
But, Kel, it's good.
I mean, it's provocative, but it's not cheesy.
It's gonna work really well in the narrative of my film.
Your film?
Lesbians Gone Wild?
No. That's actually not what I have in mind.
I'm making a documentary.
I don't know.
Shane might get upset.
You're sure she's not home, right?
Yeah, I'm sure.
What? I don't wanna hurt her, that's all.
She was really nice to me.
That's it? She was... She was really nice to you?
What does that mean, exactly?
She turned you on? She made you come real hard?
- Screw you, Mark. - I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
It's just it's good...
...and I guess I'm just a little jealous.
- Of me or her? - Shut up.
It's just... it's... it's really unbelievable though.
That chick must have some kind of power or something.
I've never seen a girl have that kind of effect on other girls.
Sounds like she's working on you too.
Not. I'm just intrigued by her.
So does Shane sleep with a lot of girls?
Melissa Rivers is out of water.
And her celebrity handler is just sitting there?
What is wrong with these people?
I will be right back.
Excuse me.
Okay, quick. Shane, I need you to read this and tell me what you think.
- What is it? - It's a script I wrote for Dana...
...to break up with Tonya because she was having trouble finding the words.
"Tonya, there's something I need to say to you.
This isn't easy for me because you've worked really hard...
...and done so much for my career." Alice.
It's karmically wrong.
And it's gonna come back at you if you and Dana wind up together.
Yoda needs to give me some better advice here...
...or Yoda needs to shut the fuck up.
I'm so glad you decided to come, baby sis.
- It's gonna be good for you. - I'm doing this to support you, Kit.
- I'm not doing this for myself. - You may say that now...
...but it's transformative, and if you don't mind me saying...
...you could use transforming right now.
Do not use that self-help jargon on me. I will barf.
I'm not a Moonie. He just says a lot of things that make sense.
If you say so.
Don't you think he's fine?
Wait until you hear him speak.
There's something about the way he moves his body on-stage.
You've begged, pleaded, plotted, screamed and flailed...
...and yet you've still not got that thing.
That one thing that you most want...
...that you can't live without.
But...
...have you taken...
...the ultimate risk?
Have you made yourself vulnerable?
Say to yourself:
"What is the most vulnerable position for me?
How can I put myself at risk...
...to lose everything that I have to lose?"
Because when you risk losing everything...
...you invariably stand to gain everything.
Okay.
Now's the time.
- I wrote you a script. - A script?
Yeah, so you know what to say.
- Do you wanna practise? - Okay, "Tonya...
...there is something I need to say to you..."
I can't say this, Al, it's horrible!
How is "this isn't easy, you've worked really hard...
...and done so much for my career" horrible? I'm softening the blow.
" I wasn't thinking when I agreed to marry you"?
That's a hideous thing to say to anybody.
- Fine, no scripts. it's okay. - Oh, God.
- Just improv. - I can't do this.
- Yes, you can. - No, I can't.
I believe in you.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Dana, go. Go. - Okay. Okay, I'll go.
- Kit. - Dr. Bradshaw.
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
And, Bette, I'm glad you decided to open yourself up.
Did you find it enlightening?
Actually, you said a few things that hit home.
Only a few things?
It was a few more than I was expecting, to be honest.
Well, tell me your thoughts. What in particular resonated for you?
I guess the comments that you made about making yourself vulnerable.
You wanna know how to make yourself vulnerable to Tina...
...so that you and she can raise a child together.
Have you told him everything about my life?
Well, I was worried about you. I just wanted to help.
Go to her tonight. Wherever she is.
Bring her flowers... if possible, flowers you picked yourself...
...rather than bought. Give Tina the flowers...
...and say, "You hold all the cards."
No matter what she says, say, "You hold all the cards."
it is my personal business. I don't want some stranger...
...knowing my business. Especially somebody like Bradshaw.
If there's anyone you should trust, it's Benjamin.
- He's a good person. - He's a fucking circus performer.
You said he said something that hit home.
It's a technique for people like him.
Spout enough prepackaged wisdom, there's something for everybody.
I find something in Vogue's horoscope too. That doesn't mean it's not bullshit.
Does that mean you're not gonna do the assignment?
Pookie, where are you? God, your locker's, like, in Siberia.
- We gotta talk to somebody about that... - There's something I need to say.
- Please. - Me too.
- Why don't you go first. - Okay, Tonya...
You are an amazing woman.
You came into my life at a time when I was trying...
...to figure out who I really was and...
And you made me feel so well taken care of.
You had such respect for me...
...that I started learning to respect myself.
And I'll never forget that...
...or stop being thankful.
But I think I confused it with something else.
I know I confused gratitude...
...with love.
Which means I care so much about you.
I care so much about you, but...
But I know in my heart that we don't belong together.
And in the long run, I think...
I think we'll both be glad that we realized it in time...
...before making a huge mistake like getting married.
Tonya? Tonya, baby? I am so sorry. I hope you haven't been waiting long.
- A fan cornered me in the hallway. - Could you give us a minute, please?
Oh, my God. You told her?
Told me what?
She seems to be taking it well.
But professional athletes are so emotionless.
Tonya said you were the strong, stoic type.
- Me, in a situation like this... - In what situation?
Dana...
Well, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.
I am...
...so sorry. I don't even know how it happened. I couldn't help it.
- It just happened. - It happened.
- What? - It just happened.
Lightning struck. The skies parted. I've seen the light.
Missy, now you are gonna make me cry.
Oh, my God.
Are you even gay, Melissa?
I like to think of myself as label-free.
I mean, love is love, and I've fallen in love with Tonya the person...
...not the gender.
You see?
Now, we have a lot we need to talk about, but I think at this point...
...it's best to leave you to have some time to yourself to absorb.
I am so grateful that Alice and Shane are here so I don't need to worry.
A girl needs her friends at times like this.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Now, I can't wait to meet your mother.
Now, tell me, who wrote your grant proposal?
It was so moving. I think I'm going to copy it...
...for the Peabody Foundation mission statement.
My wife and I wrote it.
My ex-wife. We've been divorced for three years.
And you still work together. How progressive.
Helena's been on a rampage about Headquarters for Social Justice.
She's encouraging us all to come and take a tour of your facilities.
Would you just excuse me?
Excuse me.
I have to take this.
Hello?
Don't these boring, pretentious dinners make you really horny?
Where are you?
Waiting for you to come and show me another side of Tina.
- What side is that? - The side that wants to walk away...
...from that table right this very second.
I'll be waiting for you by the pool.
- What's my excuse? - Why do you need an excuse?
- Well, because... - Never apologize, never explain, Tina.
You know, I was so fucking bored up there.
You were the only thing that wasn't boring me to tears.
Come on.
Let's go for a swim.
- I don't have a bathing suit. - And?
You're not timid, are you?
I hadn't pegged you for being timid.
No, I'm not timid.
Is it because of Bette?
I don't know.
Although...
...I've never done this before.
Well, that's good.
I like the idea of being your first.
You know, I wanted to sleep with you from the first moment I saw you.
I find that hard to believe.
What?
But this is what I find the most beautiful.